A Tribute To My Hometown of St. Louis

Posted: October 27, 2009 in Uncategorized

This is a chain email I just received from a close friend of mine who I went to High School with. She’s an Illinois transplant. Now, yes I went to high school in Illinois but I was born in…Illinois…but due to it being the seventies, and my parents getting married because they ‘had to,’ Drawing of the state of King Louis IX (Saint Louis) whom our town is named that stands in front of the history museum in Forest Park. my mother quickly spirited me back to this side of the Mighty Mississippi and eventually into the heart of St. Louis City…except at the time it was a scurry place.

All of our hometowns have some strange quirks about them.  I’ve never really gotten much of an insider’s view of anywhere else, and since this is more than just the dives and such but a blog about also about St. Louis, without further adeiu, here are some goofy jokes about my town and I’ll be annotating them for our out of town readers.

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don’t work there, you might live in St. Louis.

We have a slight problem with crime. So, I’m guessing this is a reference to that.

If someone mentions “The Landing” and it has nothing to do with the space shuttle, you might live in St. Louis.

When Pierre Laclede and his son, Auguste Chouteau arrived in what would be St. Louis, the built the original trading post along side the Mississippi River.  That area is now known as Laclede’s Landing and is now a popular night spot, with many clubs and two casinos even.

If you’ve worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in St. Louis.

This is a reference to our very strange climate. Due to our being positioned at right about the center of the United States, we get weather systems of both the north and the south, and we’re claimed by both parts of the country.  Because of this, we have horrible weather swings. Once, a friend of mine from Chicago came to visit me in December.  In the morning it was 70 degrees. At noon, it had dropped to fifty.  At 3pm, it was raining, and by 5pm it was snowing and about 20. She only had a t-shirt on that day….

If you’ve seen a tornado touchdown and ONLY thought “Darn it, I just waxed the car”, you might live in St. Louis.

We are smack dab in the middle of the much maligned, Tornado Alley.  Now, I say this, but I’ve lived in this area most of my life, and I’ve  yet to see one.  I’m certainly not complaining, but there is evidence to this day of a very nasty tornado in the late 19th century.

If you’ve had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in St. Louis.

A friend of mine just informed that her mother totally did that once….I had no idea.

If you measure distance in hours instead of miles, you might live in St. Louis.

Seriously…I think this is an everywhere kind of thing.

If you have switched from ‘heat’ to ‘A/C’ in the same day and back again, you might live in St.. Louis.

This would be another reference to our climate changes.  It’s really not that uncommon, especially in our cars. Heat in the morning, AC on the way home.

If you drive 75 miles through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard For some White Castles, you might live in St. Louis.

I can only really remember one blizzard, and I don’t think we got any Whiteys, but I was really young.  I will say, that when there’s inclement weather, we do totally all go out to eat for some reason.

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you might live in St. Louis.

Huh…who doesn’t know how to use jumper cables?

If you take I-Farty-Far to Six Flags, you might live in St. Louis .

This is referencing our accent.  Some of the locals here say farty far, or warsh, etc.  An old friend of mine once had a teacher in grade school explain to them that you say ‘warsh’ but you don’t write the R when you spell it.

If someone says concrete and you think of Ted Drewes instead of pavement, you might live in St. Louis.

Oh, this stuff is the nectar of the gods it is.  I’m sure other places have frozen custard, but I won’t touch it.  I won’t even go to a competing custard place.  I won’t cheat on Old Man Ted!  This place has been in business for like 75 years or something ridiculous.  The concretes are these slabs of custard that they can turn over before they hand them to you.

If you design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you might live in St. Louis.

Again, our climate.

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph — you’re going 80 and everybody is passing you, you might live in St.. Louis.

Let me add an addendum, if you’re driving 55mph in the left lane, you might be driving on Interstate 70, and please move the hell over.

If you’ve ever skipped school, work, or even a court-date because you Had tickets to an afternoon Cards, Blues or Rams game, you might live in St. Louis.

We’re a very fiercely loyal sports town…for the most part anyway.  Excepting the court date, yup I’ve done these things.

If you can say the words “Cahokia Mounds” and not think of a candy bar or boobies, you might live in St.. Louis.

All we know is that these are religious sites.  There were 120 of them, only 80 left now.  They pre-date European arrival to the ‘New World.’  St. Louis is also known as “The Mound City” due to these.

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you might live in St. Louis.

We have some bad, bad roads sometimes. MoDOT (Missouri Department of Transportation) is doing its damndest to make IDOT (Illinois Department of Transportation) to look good! I can say that because I did live in Illinois for six years.

Let me also say, there’s quite a lot missing here that I think should be mentioned. One of my favorite jokes about St. Louis these days “St. Louis, a drinking town with a baseball problem.” I can’t find a photo of that..seriously?! Well…we have a long and storied tradition of drinking way too much. Due to all of the caves underneath the city proper, German brewmasters emigrated here so they could store their lagers to age underneath the ground. (That’s why we have a bar on every corner, and beers in every store. You can even get beer at High School sporting events here.)

So, those were some goofy jokes about our fair city.

Look for a dive bar review on Thursday!!

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